Horror Dispatch #1
Let's try something new...
Welcome to the first Horror Dispatch, a little teaser in between book posts to catch you up on all the good and terrible horror flicks I watch throughout the year. Cause here’s the thing: between movie nights with my dad (that are secretly just so he can visit my cats) and bad horror movie nights with my friend Glitch, I watch a lot of horror monthly. So why not turn that into something shared with friends?
Also, whenever available, I’ve included thoughts and asides from my buddy Glitch, who is way wittier than I will ever be and makes me laugh constantly. You are being blessed and you’re welcome.
Without any further ado, here’s some movies I’ve watched in the last few months.
This movie rocks. I believe I recommended it to my friend gc with the high praise of “It’s one of the few movies you can chant WOOD-EN MAN! WOOD-EN MAN! while watching.” An Irish film, a woman spends the night at the house in the country her deceased sister was renovating when she was murdered, against the will of her late sister’s husband and his new girlfriend. It’s spooky, it’s infuriating at times, it has a giant wooden man and one hell of a callback in the last thirty seconds. HIGHLY recommended.
This movie had a bit of a mixed reaction from the company I watched it with: I loved it and my dad wasn’t so hot on it. Set in small town Australia, a brother seeks out his estranged brother when their third brother seems to have come down with the same sickness (demonic possession?) their dad (played by John Noble) had. There’s body horror, there’s a strangely wacky vibe to the whole thing? I laughed a lot more than I was expecting. It’s not a great movie but I enjoyed it for what it was.
I’ve just been calling this movie ‘Evil Channing Tatum’ since I first saw the poster. Weirdly, the big stand up poster was in all the theaters around me but I never actually saw a trailer for it until it was almost out of theaters so I didn’t realize it was a horror movie. And what a weird movie it was. Channing Tatum is a rich tech billionaire who meets two caterers who have snuck into his event and invites them along with him and his friends to an island resort for … well, who cares how long? There’s something undoubtedly sinister going on and there’s a trigger warning at the beginning of the movie for good reason. The cast is surprisingly stacked, there are some good jokes in there, but the tone is all over the place. I’m glad I saw it but I don’t think I have any inclination to watch it again.
Glitch’s Alternate Taglines:
Nepo Baby's Island of Unsubtleties
Blink Twice, Watch Once
I remember texting my friend while watching this movie (watching it at home, don’t worry, I’m not one of those) “I’m halfway through this movie and I have no idea what’s going on.” Having watched the full movie, still could not tell you. It wasn’t good in any way and yet, the whole time I was watching it, I was waiting for it to hit. And yet. I mean, 50s lawyer haunted by the death of his baby gets called by ghosts to a tiny island? Should have been a smash hit! And yet. Yeah, skip this one.
A complete opposite to the last movie, Sissy was a banger. Another Australian movie, this follows a kind of a wellness influencer who runs into a childhood friend for the first time in years and gets invited along last minute to said friend’s bachelorette party out in the country. And said childhood friend’s maid of honor is another girl they went to school with who clearly has a bad history with Sissy (or Cecilia, as she goes by now.) Tensions are high and they’re all alone in the woods. Horror films are going to horror film. It’s funny, it’s clever, and it takes it’s time only to hit every single payoff once the deaths begin. I loved this.
Before we went to see Bagman, Glitch found out it had a 10% on Rotten Tomatoes and that both made us more excited to see this film, this film about a scary man who carries a bag fighting Finnick Odair. I cannot describe to you how boring this movie is. Nothing happens in it, just a man being menaced by the sound of a zipper for an hour and a half. The child in the film is incredibly adorable so it had that going for it. And I did absolutely lose it laughing in the theater because the Bagman, despite being supernatural, apparently can’t magically poof around. Which means whenever he’s running away from the scene, he’s actually running away and the image of this mystical magical being just having to book it after stealing a child was so funny. This film is terrible but I have adopted the image of terrible monster Bagman who just wants to hang with his cousin Slenderman and all his cool monster friends into my headcanon.
Glitch’s Alternate Taglines:
The longstanding Irish folktales of New Jersey use a gross puppet to haunt The Man That Won't Move Away
A man without fear or characterization sacrifices himself to some near-powerless minelord to protect the cutest child from knowing what's going on
We were so worried about reusable bags we never concerned ourselves with what they would be reused for
I’d heard this new Salem’s Lot wasn’t sure good but I barely remembered the original one and I’ve never read the book so I figured maybe fresh eyes would be good? Yeah, nah. It’s incredibly mediocre, sadly. However, it does have one saving grace and that is Jordan Preston Carter as Mark. Holy cow, that kid was amazing. He just straight up saw some vampires in his town, shrugged his shoulders, and went “okay, I guess this is up to me.” And then he was better than any of the adults at fighting them. Highlight of the film is him walking into the church as the adults discuss what they should do and he ignores them to go fill up his bottle with holy water. When the main character goes “What are you, like eleven?”, he responds “and three quarters.” I would watch a whole film of Mark, my hero.
I know I’m linking the trailer for all of these but I’d highly recommend going into this one blind. I did, only knowing it was a new Netflix movie that was somewhat horror-adjacent and it was getting good reviews. All I’ll say is that it’s a group of former college friends that get together for a party the night before one of their weddings and it turns into an occasion. It’s not particularly scary but guys, it is bonkers and fun and twisty turny and silly. I guessed a big twist pretty early on but that did not hinder my enjoyment of the film. It was so fun to see where it was going to go. Really, really enjoyed this one.
And that’s it for now! I’m sure by the time this goes out, I’ll have watched at least one more movie but alas, that will have to wait for the next dispatch. I am watching the third season of From that just started a few weeks ago, a horror series that is very much what if Lost but scary? (All the way down to it staring Harold Perrineau.) It’s incredibly bonkers, I literally have no idea what’s going to happen from episode to episode, and it’s legitimately scary sometimes. Also, it made me ask after an episode lately, “did he just get a phone call from his dead baby?” Guys, I love this show.
The next, regular Book Mail should be out in two weeks or so, filled with more high and low literature for you to peruse. But if you thought this foray into horror flicks was fun, let me know! I really enjoyed writing this up, more so than I kind of anticipated so I’d really like to keep doing these if y’all are feeling them! Feel free to give me ideas of movies to check out, too! I’m always up for more horror flicks.
See you all in two weeks for an October book round up!
